A Rolling Crohn Gathers No Moss..

I have officially re-entered the world of work again as of Tuesday, after almost 4 months of sick-leave. Must admit going back was pretty nerve-wracking to say the least. Although I did get a very nice doorstep welcome from a select few lovely colleagues :)

It wasn't so much that I was worried about my lack of ability or that I had forgotten every last thing i've learned in the past 4 years (although both of those things entered my head). It was more the fact that although I now feel A LOT better than I did a mere 4 months ago, i'm still not "better" and things may still go sour, causing me to come out of remission at anytime. 

Up until the end of January when I had my operation, I was dreading work EVERYDAY. Although my shift started at 10am, I was up and about (or lying in bed staring at the ceiling) between 3 and 4am as the pain in my stomach or urgency to get up close and personal with the bathroom porcelain was so overwhelming I had little to no chance of catching some zzz's. Getting up absolutely shattered = instant bad mood, not helped by having to ensure I had a spare couple of hours left over before I left to be spent either on the toilet or head first in it giving it the old heave ho.  

Even the bus journey was horrible - I'd be constantly panicking i'd need the loo or that I was about to throw up. The majority of the time I'd be having a flush so hot you could fry an egg on me or feel I was going to do a Tinie Tempah and pass out. 

It was impossible to know what to do for the best; if I had a bite of breakfast I was in agony all day and if I decided to take a risk and skip it I was faint and woozy instead.

So that was getting to work, I then had to plaster on a smile and pretend everything was hunky dory for fear my bosses thought it was more beneficial to introduce me to my P45. 

In the last few months before my surgery I now realise I was very ill. I dropped down to almost 3 stone below my normal weight, clothes hung on me like rags, the black bags under my eyes could've easily held a months shopping, my hair was falling out, I had zero energy and struggled to eat so much as a biscuit without having stomach pain for dessert. 

All horrible memories I know, but worth remembering as it shows how far I have come. I am still in occasional pain, depending on what or how much I eat, I still have the odd dizzy spell and hot flush, only now they are about a 'Jalfrezi' on the hot scale. 

So in conclusion I was worried about returning to work for every reason listed in the previous few sentences. It all might kick off big time again without any real warning and i'll be worrying about my job yet again. The advantage I have this time however is that i know what to expect and how to explain what's happening to my body rather than blubbing in pain like a gibbering wreck. I'm grateful for everyday i'm not in pain and everyday I have a job. 

Roll on Monday morning! 

Cuckoo!

Apparently, having Crohn's can in some cases, lead to a problematic pregnancy. It's said that some medications used to help ease Crohn's can cause adverse outcomes for the fetus or the mother. For males with the disease, medication can occasionally impact sperm count or affect a man's ability to conceive. 
Now I am not writing this post as a sly (and cruel) way to reveal to the world I have a little crohn's filled bun baking in the oven, purely because it got me thinking. 
I've never been particularly maternal. Perhaps thats because I have 'big sister syndrome' - I grew up with a little brother who aggravated me senseless and whom I annoyingly adored in equal measure. Perhaps its because between my partner and I we have a combined total of 6 nieces and nephews from whom I can get my fix of Aunty-time then gratefully hand them back to their much more capable parents. Or perhaps it's because the thought of giving up the majority of the rest of my life to care for one little person terrifies me a bit. Not just the overwhelming responsibility but the fact he or she would take over our lives completely, and I feel i'd like my freedom a little bit longer..
When I was in hospital recently, several nurses and fellow patients enquired if I had children of my own. To which I replied in most cases, "No. Not yet!" - Why did I say that when I have little to no intention of having a baby? Correct at the back - The reason being is if I tell anyone (especially ladies with babies) I don't actually want to extend my species I am looked at as if I am from another planet. The startled look is always closely followed by The Advice. The Advice generally consists of "When the time comes you'll know", "Maybe your not ready", "When you meet the right man", "You'll see" and my personal favourite, a simple "Aww" combined with a patronising look.
Who knows, maybe one day the little cuckoo in my biological clock will spring into life and the urge will arrive for me to produce a mini-me. 
But for now i'll continue to uncomfortably attempt to justify myself to strangers and enjoy playing mum to the coolest little cat in town. Who, coming to think about it, could probably take that cuckoo...

Lazy Crohn's

Without a hint of suggestion or prompting I am rapidly turning into a housewife. (Without I should mention, the added bonus of a sparkler on my ring finger). 
With my time off from work coming to an end, i've noticed more and more how much pleasure i've been garnering from cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, applying bleach wherever necessary, amongst others. I've been giving myself mental 'gold stars' for making sure J's work uniform is freshly washed and pressed and his lunches are prepared for the next day. (He is in fact, over 30 and more than capable of doing all this by himself but think he is probably humoring me).
I suppose there is actually nothing wrong with this behaviour. After all, its good to take pride in one's home and to look after your partner... nope, I cant help picturing myself in an apron and heels looking like a Stepford Wife when I say that.
Now that I am almost back to full capacity health-wise, I have renewed energy and feel I should be using it constructively. Cleaning the house from top to bottom seems logical to me. It also helps to occupy my mind and keeps me from worrying too much about money, work, family and the agonizing toothache i've had all week. 
On the subject of that offending tooth, it was finally removed on Friday. Think I would have had to attempt a DIY extraction had I endured that pain over the whole weekend. The final straw came when I actually heard myself utter the words "I just feel so sorry for myself" - Pathetic with a capital Pah. 
Anyways, now the tooth has been dealt with and my Crohn's seems to be under control (for now), i'll look forward to getting back to work next week. I can go back to living in squalor again; leaving dishes piled up in the sink, clothes unwashed, food rotting in the fridge and crumbs all over the carpet.
Only joking. As if!
The rats will get the crumbs.

You Crohnly Live Once

There are many common misconceptions about Crohn's Disease.
As it is known (within the Crohn's community anyway) that flare-up's can be brought on by stress, many people think it's just a case of 'have a few deep breaths, calm down and you'll be fine', or, 'use a bit of willpower and you'll be fine'. Now the more perceptive of you may have noticed that 100% of those two (unhelpful) examples of advice end in 'you'll be fine'.
It's vaguely understandable, as most people don't want to think of others, in particular those they care for, being ill. Especially when the problem is something not easily fixable. I was brought up in a household where the sympathy window was limited and it was generally followed with 'you have a headache? Take a painkiller. Better? good. now never speak of this again'.
Don't get me wrong, my parents are wonderful and I adore them. However they tend to favour the idea of a 'quick fix' and it took me a long time to bring them round to the fact that there is no fix, quick or otherwise, for what I have.
Lets face it, generally not many people in our society are keen to discuss digestive health, and probably more so than others in my family home. I've had to learn to accept my illness and become more open in talking about things that i've been brought up to believe I should be cringing at the thought of. I'd still say i'm not entirely comfortable in discussing, the more, shall we say, intimate details of Crohn's but the more knowledgeable I am about my own body the more confident I will become in talking to others about my disease.
Another common misconception about Crohn's, is that finding out what foods cause the pain and simply cutting them out of your diet will mean you are..you guessed it.. Fine. The truth is, certain foods affect people in different ways and they can only give the symptoms, they don't cause the disease in the first place. So it's probably more sensible to try to eat regularly and not in huge doses.
As very little is known about the disease, it's difficult (and done at your own risk) researching it. Health websites occasionally contain nuggets of useful information, but are generally like multiple choice quizzes where every answer is Cancer. My advice is radical but I hope you will get on board with it...TALK TO A DOCTOR. Or at the very least a fellow Crohn's sufferer who can provide you with constructive accounts rather than scaremongering.
Now i'm off to take a few deep breaths, throw all my food out and calm down. I'll be fine.

The Crohn Wars

An old friend is leaving for Spain in a few weeks time so last night I was out for a few drinks to see her off. This was the first 'proper' night out i've had in over a year! I had a lovely time, however, having a drink again reminded me of two things. 1. Alcohol makes me pose for rubbish photos (see glaringly obvious evidence above) and 2. My Crohn's does not like the strong stuff. 
Although I didn't have much to drink (and me being Scottish draw your own conclusions here), I have woken up feeling well under par. 
There is evidence that alcohol can have...lets say...an 'irritating' effect on people with Crohn's disease as it effects the lining of the gastrointestinal tract. Since I already have major issues with that part of my insides, alcohol can often exacerbate the symptoms of my disease. These pleasant symptoms include nausea, vomiting, chronic diarrhea, lack of appetite, feeling of fullness in the gut, abdominal pain, weight loss, fever and, in severe cases, gastrointestinal bleeding. Six out of nine of these I had last night, into this morning. I wont go into gory details on which six. All of which equates to what I'm calling a Super-Hangover :( 
Symptoms of Crohn's can sometimes (and in my case) be made worse by drinking milk as well as alcohol. Both of which are disappointing facts as I am partial to a very occasional drink. I also like a glass of milk in the morning. And with my cereal. Oh and obviously with my tea, and I do love a milkshake, and another wee chilled glass before bed, and in hot chocolate.. but I don't have a problem.. I can quit at any time.. I can take it or leave it.. why are you looking at me like that? I dont have to justify myself to you! Why is Jeremy Kyle here?.. oh who am I trying to kid? My name is Kathleen and I am a Milk-aholic.

Ice Cream Crohn's

Sitting in the sun enjoying an ice cream has got me to feeling a bit guilty and pondering my prospective return to work. Although the normal recovery time after the type of operation I had is generally 4 months, i'm hoping to get back to normality after only 3.
Feeling a little bit terrified of starting work again, feel like I wont have a clue what i'm doing, everything will have changed while i've been gone and new bonds will have been made amongst my colleagues therefore leaving me sitting at my desk with only a cup of coffee and an empty inbox for company. All of which I know deep down is nonsense but it doesn't stop my female brain pushing all the worst-case scenarios to the forefront of my mind. 
Another fear I have is mainly that I won't be able to simply slide back into my job and i'll have some kind of stress-induced flare up and have to be off work yet again. Very unlikely again, but the Crohn's is always going to be there and even after surgery another resection may still be necessary at any time within the first 5years after my op. But for now, while I am feeling healthy i'm going to try and make the most of it and avoid unnecessary stress.
Although that may be easier said than done, as it's in the time it's taken me to write this post it's started raining and i'm sunburnt. Rage.

Scar Tissue! Bless You

Trip to the doctor yesterday to check whether or not i'm ready to return to work after my op. Apparently i'm not as of yet. He has signed me off for another month at the moment. So this will be me into my 3rd month of recovery. This past few weeks has been better though, lots of lovely visitors and this blogging lark has kept my mind from turning to mush due to over-exposure to daytime telly. I've also had the urge to start painting and sketching a bit again.
The doctor told me yesterday I have been left with what's known as 'keloid scarring'. This is a type of scar which is caused by a result of an overgrowth of 'granulation tissue' or collagen, at the site of a healing injury. It'll leave me with a weird looking scar which will be either pinky/flesh coloured or maybe red or dark brown in colour. All very interesting except for the fact this odd wee thing is accompanied by severe itchiness and pain - pretty much akin to getting stabbed by a tiny little needle every time I move. Not the end of the world but pretty irritating. Its only tiny and compared to some of the pics i've seen of serious scarring, a needle in...my midriff.