The Lovely Crohn's

As I approach the ripe old age of 30, (a little too rapidly for my liking), lately I've noticed a shift in my attitude towards my disease, and towards my body.
I've become much less hung up on how I look and how I appear to others. This preoccupation with my appearance was a running theme throughout my teens and my twenties, as it seems to be for most young women. It's one I'm certainly glad to be finally shaking off.

Most of my youth, up to the age of around 16, was spent looking like a tom-boy and wondering if I'd ever encounter those mythical things known as 'breasts' on my own body. I was both terrified and utterly desperate in equal measure. Thankfully the desperation didn't stretch to firing socks down my jumper or padding out my training bra with newspaper, instead I tried to wait patiently and resigned myself to the fact I'd be unappealing to the opposite sex until the day they arrived.
I didn't realise of course that I wasn't entirely unappealing to the opposite sex, I must've given them very little credit. I did have 'boyfriends' - which I seemed to take literally- and blossoming-men did take an interest in me because I was allegedly funny and smart, but I never at any point thought these interests were of the 'lets go behind the bike sheds' variety. I just assumed they wanted to hear me do funny voices or hilarious impressions of the teachers. Mr Clusker was my specialty, since you ask.
Anyway, time passed and I grew and grew.. And grew.. And all hell broke loose. I won't elaborate as my Dad might see this. Hi dad, love you xx

I became more paranoid about how I looked. I told myself I didn't care but I did. I was borderline obsessed with my stomach; it was always bloated and although I was stick thin I always felt 'fat'. Don't get me wrong, I thankfully by no means had any form of eating disorder, and never let these feelings get in the way of my day to day life. I ate, but again only little bits here and there. I'd be starving then only manage a few mouthfuls and was full. Not just satisfied but full to the point of feeling sick and bloated after every meal. This was my life though, I hadn't known anything else so why would I complain?
The bloated and sore feelings after eating were a chore in my youth, working and studying and doing funny voices all took their toll on my delicate stomach.
I felt fat and often thought, what's the point in making an effort to look good when I'm feeling like this? I looked milk-bottle white most of the time and was always icy cold.
Things escalated until eventually I was seriously ill.
Eventually, as you will no doubt know if you've read my blog before, I saw a few hundred doctors and nurses and was finally diagnosed with Crohn's Disease at the age of 26.
For the past few years I've been in and out of hospital. I've had surgery and multiple unpalatable treatments. I'll undoubtedly be on medication for the rest of my life and hospital stays will be a thing of my future. That's ok. It really is. But I mention it in the hope it serves to help people understand just quite how much the effects of illness, drugs, medical procedures and surgeries can have on your physical appearance. In turn, how these changes can affect the way you see yourself.
When I see photos of myself at my worst, (which are thankfully scarce), I feel saddened at how unwell I looked. I also feel frustrated at knowing this was something I had no control over. I know I don't want to be back in that position again, but I'm aware I don't really have any say in the matter. I was in agony, doubled up like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, pale, lifeless and so thin I was dangerously underweight.

Now, as I hurtle towards the exit of my twenties I am looking to the future with hope and a renewed sense of self. That sounds a little pretentious.. What I mean is that I like who I have become, disease or not. I know my limitations and I've accepted them. I know my body will never be conventionally 'perfect' (whatever that is). It's changeable, bloated, pale and scarred. But it's mine, and the only one i'll ever have. It's a tough piece of kit and I'm proud of what I've endured and will in the years to come. You should be too. Don't waste your youth worrying about how you look, more people think you are beautiful than you know. Embrace your illness - it's another challenge you can overcome.

Oh and I did end up with breasts, and they are quite exquisite. Obviously.

Crohnly Love

As its the season of love, and I haven't blogged for a wee while, I thought I'd take a minute to wallow in the romance of the last few days. Yes I know technically Valentines Day was yesterday but so what? You're not the boss of me! Back off!
In the spirit of Cupid firing his bow all over the shop, I got to thinking about my own personal love affair.
With my gut.
Its a torrid romance with so many ups and downs we are considered by many (no one) the Burton and Taylor of our day.
The bottom line (pun ALWAYS intended) is that my life would be much, much easier if I didn't have Crohn's Disease. I would be free from worry, and the pain and misery it can bring. I'd be able to do my own thing without having to consider how my guts will react first.
But of course the same could be said for any relationship. When things are difficult thats all you can focus on. In the midst of the anger and upset you can forget the positives in the blink of an eye. The difference between most human relationships and the one I have with my gut is that we we didn't have a choice, we were forced together. Like some awful arranged marriage when 2weeks in you realise that you are just NOT compatible.
Regardless, I love the bones of my gut. (Yes I know that doesn't work but just go with it..).
If my disease and I would were to be parted I think i'd miss what Crohn's has given me. Everyone wants a cure for the illness, including me of course, and if that day ever arrived I'm pretty sure I would grab it with both hands. But I also think I'd feel a great sense of loss at what we've been through together.
I don't like to think of my condition as poisonous or massively negative. That doesn't mean it's easy. But like any relationship it has good points and bad. If Crohn's was ever to leave me I'd want to look back on what I've gained and not focus on what I'd lost or missed out on. Like any former flame I'd take the time to see what good we've done one another.
Plus, I know for a FACT, Crohn's would never take my David Bowie CDs and never return them...

Tea and Crohn's

Although clearly I am well aware that I have Crohn's Disease, it sometimes still irritates me just how much it has to be factored into my day to day life.
I try my best to have a 'normal' life. Whatever that is. I hold down a full time job, see friends, cuddle my cat, run a home with my partner, have hobbies, cuddle my cat, see family, have a social life, cuddle my cat, shop and pay bills. But often, and incredibly annoyingly, my illness needs to factored into all of these things. Pre-cursed by Crohn's if you will.
For example, if I go for dinner I have to think carefully about what I'm going to eat. However, things like red meat or cream aside, it usually doesn't matter what I have because I'll be bloated and squeamish regardless. I decide what I'm going to order based on several factors:

1. What am I wearing?
Are my trousers loose enough to deal with my rapidly expanding waistline? Is my too long enough for me to cheekily undo my top button without attracting attention? Might sound silly or an exaggeration, but with Crohn's Disease a tight waistband is LITERALLY THE DEVIL.

2. How much have I already eaten today?
Do I have room for anything else? This depends on how much I've eaten already in the day and how often I've been to the toilet. I usually feel full after a couple of biscuits so the thought of a full meal is often an intimidating prospect.

3. What happens after dinner?
Am I going home for a lie down or are there other plans? If I go crazy and pig out there is not a chance i'll be able to tolerate a night out without feeling I'm carrying around a lead block under my jumper and looking like I'm 8 months pregnant.

4. Do I have pain relief?
There's little point in bothering going on a night out without taking painkillers with me. I know I'll be in pain or some level or another regardless of what I eat, so it's always best to go prepared. Although not too prepared, as I found to my dismay after trying to get into a nightclub packing what looked like a miniature medical cabinet in my handbag. I totally appreciate how it must look to strangers but as IF I'd give away MY drugs..

5. Who am I with?
Will the person(s) be cool with me having to pack it in early? It's often difficult to balance keeping your health in check with keeping other people happy. Of course anyone would say 'No it's fine!' but often their face says different. I've been 'jokingly' accused of using my disease as an excuse to get out of things in the past, which is both ignorant and offensive. Although i'd use it as excuse anytime to get say from those types of people.

These are just a few of the BORING considerations I have to make before settling down to a meal. I love food. So I hate having Crohn's. I want to enjoy a meal without worrying about the consequences but this simply isn't possible.
I think have a slightly skewed view of food now which is unfortunate. I probably see it as a negative thing. Because I know it'll cause me pain and discomfort, it doesn't seem enjoyable anymore. When I couldn't eat anything or when I couldn't tolerate anything but yucky shakes I fantasied about nothing but food. It's essential for survival. The idea of getting what you need from liquids only feels intrinsically wrong. For a start where is the chew factor?! It's all wrong. But when you can't digest food what alternative do you have?
On the whole I'm mostly just happy I can eat without the same level of pain I was in before my surgery. I think about food A LOT. I get upset sometimes and kind of frustrated that I can't enjoy my food like other people, but at the end of the dairy milk I value my health more. Its not like i'm obsessed or anything..

The Crohn Collector

I did a silly thing today. I let something wind me up so much that I nearly burst into tears. At work. In full view of the office.
I heard it on the intestine, that this person has lied about having a condition brought on by years of having either Crohn's Disease or Ulcerative Colitis. This person doesn't have either.
I got upset, because I do. And because I can't begin to understand why someone would want to lie about this.
Crohn's is a horrendous illness to live with.
I hold down a full time job with a Chronic illness. I don't mention this because I expect any thanks or praise for it - if I'm able to work of course I will, I need to learn a living, and would never take advantage of our welfare system knowing I'm able - I just mean to express that although I am working, it doesn't mean it's not a struggle for me on a daily basis to even so much as get out of bed in the morning. I'd love to have the luxury of not having to stress about work and tire myself out and worry about bills. I'd also love to not have had a piece of my body cut out in order to save my life, but that's life. My life.
I understand, as I've come across it at various times in my life, that some people find it a way of life to lie and elaborate on illnesses they do not have. They think it will give them some sort of leg up in life, garner them the attention they so desperately crave, or, and this is the one i'll never personally understand, gain the pity of those around them. Maybe I'm just getting cynical the nearer I come to the big 30, but never at at any point in my life, has any good experience ever followed being pitied.
Now, for those of you who may be reading this realising i'm perhaps talking about you, or someone like you, as i'm sure even you are not naive enough to think you are unique, let me tell you a little bit about what it's like to live in pain on a daily basis. For your information of course, (as you may want to bulk up your story a little), or, in the hope that you may take a moment to realise why what you are doing is offensive and sickening and very, very tragic. Here is a little insight.

6a.m : I wake up and rush to the toilet. This will be about the 5th time I've been this morning. I often worry I've had an accident in the night, although thankfully this has never happened to me (yet).
6.20 : I brush my teeth and shower. This hurts. Everything hurts. It hurts because my gums ache constantly from the ulcers I get when I have a flare up. My bones ache because of the Crohn's related Arthritis I have and the joint pain I suffer constantly.
It hurts to wash my hair because it falls out in clumps and this stings my scalp. My skin prickles all over because it gets dry and painful when I feel at my worst.
6.40: I take a few minutes to calm down and regain my strength because I'm now hot and dizzy and faint from having stood up for so long.
6.45: I get dressed and paint my face. Usually thinking all the while that this is a fruitless exercise because I'm so pale and feel utterly lifeless and that how I feel inside is written all over my face.
7a.m : I think about breakfast. I make a cup of tea then rarely drink more than 2 sips of it because I know I'll have to rush to the toilet again and I can't risk needing to 'go' when I'm on the bus. I think about whether or not I can tolerate food and what the consequences would be if I had a bit of toast. Will I need to throw up in 10minutes time? Will I have to go to the toilet in 20? Can I time both of these things before I leave? My morning is based mostly around my colon and meeting its every whim.

I won't bore you all by yapping on about the remaining 20 odd hours. But that's a snippet of what my day is like before I even leave the house in the morning.
I feel tired all the time. I feel sore and achy all the time. And I feel pain of some description ALL. THE. TIME.
If you are lucky enough to get through the day without feeling like a limp rag on a daily basis, please don't pretend you are hard done by. You have a life so please live it. Don't waste it by wishing yourself in my shoes, because believe me they won't suit you. I have impeccable taste (and tiny feet).
Spending your life wallowing in misery is both incredibly unhealthy and unbelievably unappealing.
Maybe it's because I know how precious good health can be that I feel so strongly about this, but it's heartbreaking to see people around me openly squander something I try so hard to achieve on a daily basis. Normality.
Allow yourself to enjoy life and don't insult others by implying you know what they are going through. Just listen and be there, don't absorb problems as through they are your own.
People don't tolerate lies for long. It's important to remember how hard it ACTUALLY is for people dealing with genuine problems. Please don't pretend you have the first clue what they are going through.
Me, I might look sickly and frail at times, I might rely on medication and pain relief to get me through the day, but I have fighting spirit in doses I've never had before.

Crohn Fishin'

It is now, as you may or may not have noticed, 2013. A brand new year.
Aside from spending the next 3months accidentally dating forms '2012' and getting increasingly frustrated, this is usually the time of year we start to look ahead to what we want for ourselves in the coming 12months.
I don't make resolutions. It's not that I have any problem with people who do, I just generally see people getting lost in a haze of pouring alcohol down the sink, spending fortunes on gym memberships and slapping nicotine patches on their arms, (sometimes all at once..), and think that's not for me.
Not necessarily because I am lacking in enthusiasm or will-power, but because I feel there are other things I want for the year ahead : things I want to look forward to, not metaphorically beat myself up for in 6weeks because I haven't lasted that long without a cheeky Baileys.
With Crohn's, your priorities tend to change. Things that were maybe the height of importance to you, post-disease, are now relegated to the bottom of the list.
Take everyone's favourite New Years resolution, Losing Weight..
I am by no means overweight, in fact I'm probably about right for my height and what doctors would consider a "healthy" weight. So I have no intention of trying to lose any of that. I do however want to try and tone up and get some sort of definition on my stomach/thighs. Not the worlds hardest task, but still one that requires a bit of time and motivation. Sorting out my tum is not just aesthetic though, because like most women I'm not and never have been particularly happy with my body. Its also a chance to show the world I'm not in the slightest ashamed of my scar and what i've had to go through to have it there.
I've spent the past few years struggling to eat and maintain a steady weight. At my worst I could fit into a size below a 6 (is size zero even a thing here? if so, I was it). I hated the way I looked, gaunt and skeletal. Clothes hung on me like I was a pound shop clothes horse. This probably helped to confirm my view that there is nothing attractive about seeing a woman's bones through her flesh.
I'm not saying I want to be any bigger than I am at the moment, but I don't want to lose weight. In my Crohnie world losing weight means losing a grip on my health and letting Crohn's creep in. I see my disease at times as a nasty wee piranha nibbling away at the good bits and leaving me with all the bad.
So I don't want to spend 2013 'watching my weight'. I do however, want to go fishing and make sure I keep that nasty little nipper at bay..

It'll be Crohnly This Christmas

Itll be Crohnly this Christmas

Depending on your religious persuasion, Christmas can mean many things to many people. Religion aside, for most people, regardless of your faith, (or lack of), it's traditionally a time of over-indulgence. A phrase that in itself can strike gut-wrenching fear into the heart of any Crohnie.
Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas. I love getting to spend time with my loved ones and fighting with family i haven't seen for 12months. I adore exchanging gifts that we've bought one another because we care and because the adverts say we have to. I love decorating the house and getting into debt along the way. Joyous.
No, I joke (sort of). I do enjoy Christmas. I always have.
However now my feelings towards this time of year are a strange mixture of excitement and nerves. As ridiculous as it may sound I also feel a vague sense of loss. At how much I used to enjoy the aspect of over-eating and drinking.
With Crohn's your body has an annoying way of telling you in no uncertain terms when you have HAD ENOUGH PUT THE CHIPOLATA DOWN. A phrase heard painfully often in my life.
Some would think this is a useful tool for ones body to have, a sort of early warning system that gently reminds us to cease eating for fear of feeling like a sumo wrester later. Only it's not a 'gentle' reminder. It's agonising cramps in the stomach, sickness, sweats and shivers, rushing to the toilet and feeling faint. Celebrate good times c'mon!
The first Christmas after my diagnosis I was on a liquid diet. And I don't mean I was being all Scottish about it and knocking back the sherry from 8a.m.
Unless you have been through this you have no idea how difficult it is. A diet of only milkshakes that aren't even milk in the most vile flavours imaginable. My personal favourite was Rotting Corpse, (although they lied and wrote 'Forest Fruits' on the label).
Surrounded by a massive table of food and drink I had to suck on Rotting Corpse from a wee straw. This made not only me miserable, but my whole family uncomfortable and sorry for me. I think at one point there was even an offer of introducing some turkey to the liquidiser. I politely declined.
Thankfully this Christmas will be much better. I'll be able to eat (in moderation) and drink (in even more moderation). I will attempt to pace myself, and maybe only have one selection box for breakfast instead of two. Only 3 baileys before dinner instead of 12 and just have a wee sniff of the trifle.
I'm dreaming of a pain-free and FUN Christmas for me and YOU.

Merry Christmas x x

Diseasey Street

This past week I've been a physical and emotional write off. I've had (and still have) a horrendous flu-chest-throat-head-bug-thingy (to give it it's proper medical name) that I'm struggling to shift.
This may sound like a mere inconvenience when you consider I have an incurable disease, but that's exactly my problem; I already have Crohn's, why do I have to put up with this nonsense too?!
Obviously as Crohnies, we are far from exempt from other health issues, in fact the opposite, we grab any bacteria and germs flying around and clutch them to our bosoms like selfish lovers who won't let go. It's our crappy (pun intended) immune systems that cause our bodies to go temporarily insane and collect as many other problems as we can like some kind of macabre hobby.
Plus, having the disease also means it can take a ridiculously long time to shake these things off. Talk about mixed signals, body.
So this week I've lost my voice, had a perma-headache, had streaming eyes, running nose, blocked nose, felt faint, legs like lead, zero energy, zero appetite, sweats and shivers, and a cough to wake the dead, amongst others. Lovely.
Now I know this is all natural during the first flush of Winter. My problem is that I can't just get over this type of thing like a 'normal' person. I have to deal with this AND Crohn's. if anything that makes it even more annoying in my eyes; why can't I deal with this when I'm coping with Crohn's everyday? I get frustrated at my own body for being so bloody useless.
Now my partner takes a different view on this. He thinks it's kind of romantic to him in a way that I'm ONLY dealing with this and not Crohn's for a change. He thinks it's cool that he sees me with a cold like 'normal' people (there's that word again) and not doubled up with Crohn's pain. This is a nice way to look at it I reckon, and it has made me think about how much of a drama queen I possibly could become if left to my own miserable devices.
But right now, as I type this, my fingers dripping with sweat, barely able to lift my useless head, I can't help but resign myself to the knowledge that Crohn's has taken this round.