It wasn't so much that I was worried about my lack of ability or that I had forgotten every last thing i've learned in the past 4 years (although both of those things entered my head). It was more the fact that although I now feel A LOT better than I did a mere 4 months ago, i'm still not "better" and things may still go sour, causing me to come out of remission at anytime.
Up until the end of January when I had my operation, I was dreading work EVERYDAY. Although my shift started at 10am, I was up and about (or lying in bed staring at the ceiling) between 3 and 4am as the pain in my stomach or urgency to get up close and personal with the bathroom porcelain was so overwhelming I had little to no chance of catching some zzz's. Getting up absolutely shattered = instant bad mood, not helped by having to ensure I had a spare couple of hours left over before I left to be spent either on the toilet or head first in it giving it the old heave ho.
Even the bus journey was horrible - I'd be constantly panicking i'd need the loo or that I was about to throw up. The majority of the time I'd be having a flush so hot you could fry an egg on me or feel I was going to do a Tinie Tempah and pass out.
It was impossible to know what to do for the best; if I had a bite of breakfast I was in agony all day and if I decided to take a risk and skip it I was faint and woozy instead.
So that was getting to work, I then had to plaster on a smile and pretend everything was hunky dory for fear my bosses thought it was more beneficial to introduce me to my P45.
In the last few months before my surgery I now realise I was very ill. I dropped down to almost 3 stone below my normal weight, clothes hung on me like rags, the black bags under my eyes could've easily held a months shopping, my hair was falling out, I had zero energy and struggled to eat so much as a biscuit without having stomach pain for dessert.
All horrible memories I know, but worth remembering as it shows how far I have come. I am still in occasional pain, depending on what or how much I eat, I still have the odd dizzy spell and hot flush, only now they are about a 'Jalfrezi' on the hot scale.
So in conclusion I was worried about returning to work for every reason listed in the previous few sentences. It all might kick off big time again without any real warning and i'll be worrying about my job yet again. The advantage I have this time however is that i know what to expect and how to explain what's happening to my body rather than blubbing in pain like a gibbering wreck. I'm grateful for everyday i'm not in pain and everyday I have a job.