My blog posts have been pretty down in the mouth lately. That’s mainly because I’ve been feeling distinctly below par. Both mentally and physically. The two tend to run in tandem for me where Crohn’s is concerned. I try my best to remain positive when symptoms strike, but it can be incredibly difficult. I’ve spent most of the week throwing up, rushing to the toilet and in pain.
The problem with pain and Crohn’s is that if you’re anything like me you can forget how bad it can be until it invariably strikes again. Pain can vary from slightly annoying cramp-like niggles to the feeling you are being stabbed in the stomach with a red hot poker. Frequently unbearable and can often impede anything from walking long distances to simply sitting upright.The pain is awful and can be relentless. But it’s not the discomfort that gets me down as such; it’s the potential for interference of plans. When the disease starts to involve itself in my social/work life is when it really hits home how much of an impact it has on my life. I hate when it’s necessary to change plans and let people down due to my illness. I can’t stand when my condition affects my work and get unfeasibly frustrated when I can’t perform even the simplest of tasks without almost keeling over.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my future and what I want out of life. Obviously in an ideal world, Crohn’s Disease wouldn’t be top of my list. But I’m stuck with it.
One of my favourite lines from one of my favourite songs is ‘You get the love that you allow’. I want to have the disease that I allow. What I mean by that is that I intend never to lie down to my illness. Unless I’m under general anaesthetic I imagine. Whilst I am well, I will relish it and when I’m sick I’ll deal with it with as much dignity and grace as I can. Behind closed doors of course; there is frequently little dignity in a bowel condition. When Crohn’s interferes in my day to day life I’ll try my best to dedicate the time I need to get better so I can feel like ‘me’ again and not an invalid.
Crohn’s can take away such a considerable amount of control from the patient that it’s essential you retain as much as you can of your life ‘pre-Crohn’s’.I aim never to allow what can be seen as a negative to cloud the positives in my life. How I manage that is really up to me.