When I began blogging back in early 2011 I didn’t expect anything to come of it. I merely wanted a distraction from lying on my scrawny behind and watching endless episodes of C.S.I. (New York, since you ask) This hiatus from my normal routine had been enforced due to me having had a chunk of my bowel and intestines removed due to my Crohn’s Disease. I had to do next to nothing for 4months after my release from hospital incarceration and was gradually getting my appetite back and in the process eating my local supermarket clean out of Jaffa Cakes. Something to distract my hands from delving into yet another packet was a welcome idea. When people began to read my daft posts and I began to build friendships and Crohnie alliances all over the world it became more apparent the blog was as much for me as for the people who took the time to read it. I couldn’t believe people were interested in anything I had to say (especially as in the first few months of writing I wasn’t massively knowledgeable about Crohn’s myself). I was learning as I went and the relationships and contacts I was making have now become invaluable.
However all things considered it now feels that I have spent a lot of time writing for others and not myself. The intention of the blog for me, certainly after the first couple of months anyway, is to help other sufferers feel less alone, to share my experiences and thoughts in the hope that others can relate and realise there is always help out there if you are willing to look. It’s also served as a handy tool in helping those closest to me understand what I am dealing with.
Nevertheless it seems that I’ve used this ‘tool’ to stop having to verbalise how I really feel. I still probably hold back in the blog – I feel I have to – let’s face it, no one wants to read the graphic details of my symptoms and no one wants to be depressed to within an inch of their lives. I try to keep things light-hearted for the most part and wherever possible, because that’s how I approach the condition in ‘real-life’. But that’s much easier said than done, and sometimes I need to learn to be a wee bit kinder to myself. Everyone does I think. I tend to put others feelings before my own and worry to excess about how my illness will affect them. It’s exhausting and pointless because the bottom line (pun always intended) is that I can’t control how anyone may or may not feel. I can only be honest and open and hope that my loved ones can understand when I’m not at my best. (Whatever that best may be). I intend to be a little easier on myself and try harder to accept my lot. I don’t have to spend the rest of my life dwelling on having gotten such a bum deal. Remember what I said about puns?