I’m generally not one for blowing my own trumpet. There are
many reasons for this, one of which is being brought up in a small Scottish
village where if you aimed for anything more than a job in the local corner
shop you were getting ideas above your station. Another is having given up
playing the trumpet when I was 8 to pursue a short lived career in running up
and down hills with boys after school instead. But it’s mainly because I find
the whole idea of drawing attention to myself completely and utterly abhorrent.
In this day and age of ‘selfies’ and social networking
everyone seems to know everything about everyone else, including friends of
friends, and people who are complete and utter strangers. I’ve met people in
‘real life’ and felt I already know them just from seeing their visage popping
up on my computer screen, or from somebody I know having ‘liked’ something they
once said. We make judgements on people from their ‘profiles’ rather than what
they are actually like. Ideally I
could just live my life without all of that, without Facebook, Twitter et all.
Just live in the moment and enjoy looking
at pretty things instead of my first though being what Instagram filter would
look best on them. But in reality it’s one of my biggest vices. I’m
embarrassingly hooked on it all. It’s the urgency and the validation; ‘15
people have liked my photo so I must be attractive!’ It doesn’t matter that the
man I love and my Mum and Dad have been telling me that since day one.
I hate the idea that validation of any area of my life from
strangers seems more genuine and important to me than people who actually care
about me. I’m certainly working on that, and I fear I am not alone in that way
of thinking. I think it’s mainly because I’ve assumed that those who love me
would perhaps bend the truth slightly to appease me or avoid hurting my
feelings. Because they care they would say that I really do suit that pink shell suit, it brings out my eyes! Or that that
piece of writing where I bear my soul about the devastation of living with a
chronic illness isn’t actually that depressing to read.
But what has all of this got to do with Crohn’s Disease I
hear you cry, and not without good reason. Well mainly it’s my attempt to pull
myself out of insecurity and into the real world where people are actually proud of their achievements. CAN YOU
IMAGINE IT? It’s been brought to my attention recently that nothing in life
ever came from sitting back and waiting for it to happen and recently I’ve fallen
into that trap. The fact that I feel like I’m at deaths door a large chunk of
the time definitely plays a part in that, but I am slowly learning to take my
own advice and stop lying down to my disease. Literally, and metaphorically.
In the past year I’ve written a book about my life with
Crohn’s. I believe it to be pretty good, but the more I’ve thought about the
reality of people actually reading it
the more I start to think it’s essentially 50,000 words of garbage. I’m now
stuck in a terrifying limbo of having zero confidence in myself and taking the
plunge and getting it out into the world. The thing is, I know that those of
you who read my blog and tell me you like it don’t have to. You take the time
to do so because you want to and that is very encouraging. Don’t get me wrong,
I can handle it compliments over a phone or a computer screen but if you
venture into telling me I’m a halfway decent writer FACE-TO-FACE I will go
redder than my intestines after a scope and collapse into a blabbering mess about
how daft you are and change the subject at the speed of light.
My blog is nominated for a UK Blog Award. I’m also nominated
for 3 WEGO Health awards. This is all incredibly exciting and certainly flattering,
but again I have zero confidence in winning. And that’s ok! In my case it
genuinely IS just nice to be
nominated. I feel my confidence build and start to believe I have some talent a
little bit more day on day and that in turn helps my health. If I’m anxious I’m
ill. If I’m stressed I’m ill. So I’ve decided just to enjoy the ride and see
where it all takes me without worrying about a thing. Focusing on what’s
important, and that isn’t winning awards, its reaching out to people who are
struggling and helping in any way I can. Amazingly this blog has given me an
incredible platform to do just that and for that alone I am extraordinarily
proud. I’m polishing up my trumpet in the event that one day I’ll feel
confident enough to blow it.
P.S. Thanks a million if you have voted for me so far. I
genuinely haven’t felt this thrilled since I won a pair of 40denier women’s
tights for my Mum in my Primary School raffle. If you haven’t voted for me, and
that’s fine too, I’m not a violent person, and you can do so here:
WEGO Health Activist Awards (I’m nominated in 3
categories; Best in Show – Twitter, Best in Show- Blog and Health Activist Hero)
–
UK Blog Awards 2015 (I’m in the Health & Lifestyle
Category and public vote opens on 10th Nov) -
xxxx
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