I recently re-read my old diaries (or ‘journals’ if you’re
American), from just as I was getting sick, and was shocked to discover how
lost and confused I was. I was utterly miserable, sad, raging at the world and
my situation. There was also a noticeably marked increase in the use of capital
letters and exclamation marks strewn across the pages…
I realised I can’t be alone in these feelings, and that
there will be countless others feeling the feelings and overusing the Caps Lock
just as I did all those years ago. I decided to write a letter to my
pre-diagnosis self. I thought it might be cathartic somehow, like those rituals
of ridding yourself of bad juju where you burn photographs of ex-boyfriends and
set fire to their homes and cars, that kind of thing.
So here goes:
Dear Kath (aged 24),
This might seem a little bit weird, me writing to you (well,
me) like this, but I’m you; from the
future. I know, I know, it seems mad right? But I borrowed a TARDIS and blah
blah blah whatever works.
Anyway I’m writing to tell you that I know you are having a
really hard time right now and that you’re doing just fine. You are sick,
angry, sad and everything in-between, but all you are feeling is part of the grieving
process. On top of the constant nausea, vomiting, unbearable pain, running to
the loo, and the inability to eat/sleep/work, you are also dealing with the
loss of your old life. You are stressed about losing everything that is
important to you; your relationship, your friends, your job, your dignity. Well
I just want to tell you that you won’t. At least not the first 3, the last one
is a longer and more trying process.
Stop being so hard on yourself. Stop blaming yourself for
this; you didn’t give yourself this disease. Nothing you could have done would
have stopped this happening to you. The same goes for your parents; they are
not responsible for your illness. I know you don’t blame them, but they might
be blaming themselves in some way, so try to reassure them.
You might be focused on the negative stuff right now and that’s
understandable – it’s BAD. But you should
try, when you’re able, to see beyond this initial horror. Focus when you can on
what YOU can do to help yourself. Don’t rage and weep and wail about where you perceive
the doctors to be failing, (OK well you can a little but let’s not bankrupt a
tissue factory), try and begin to tentatively educate yourself. I promise you
it’s not all as scary as it seems. You feel out of your depth and intimidated
right now, but trust me, the more you know about your body and this condition
the easier it will become. Understanding why you feel the way you do will help
you adapt to it. But do be careful not to overload yourself; steer clear of
horror-stories and don’t let anyone scare you. It will happen; there is a
strange culture of ‘competitive suffering’ within the world of chronic illness so
try not to get drawn into that. Focus on your recovery and don’t compare your ‘journey’
[I know you hate that phrase, I do too, this isn’t Pop Idol] with anyone else’s.
As future ‘you’, I really wish I could tell you that life is
amazing now, and that you’re magically cured and that Jon Hamm is your husband,
but I can’t. I will say that life is certainly better, doctors are still beavering away on that elusive ‘cure’, and
Jon Hamm has only taken out 3 restraining orders against me so far.
Look after ourselves,
Love and kittens,
Kath (aged 31 and 11months)
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