“Everything” - was the am-dram response I gave earlier today to the question, “What hurts?” from a friend. It may sound dramatic and borderline bullshit, but at the time it was a frighteningly accurate description.
Allow me to set the scene: I’d eaten some lunch; nothing wild, no endangered species lathered in butter, no sizzling spicy concoctions. Just some chicken and some salad. Oh and a bit of potato too, but even then I only ate the inside, leaving the skin as I know it destroys me. So, a boring, but non-hazardous lunch – YOU WOULD THINK. But you’d be WRONG. And you can tell how serious I am because I AM USING CAPSLOCK.
Today ‘everything hurts’ is an accurate portrayal of how I am feeling. Boring lunch or no boring lunch.
My bones and muscles ache. My stomach is cramping and pained. My head is splitting. My eyes are itchy.
MY HAIR HURTS.
The list goes on. (But not here, and not right now, because I would like to retain at least some readers by the end of this post). The reason I’ve taken to my blog to electronically whine about all of this is because answering that question today and feeling like a drama queen stressed me out. It frustrated me that answering questions on my disease honestly, often has such dire consequences; even in my own head! I know I am not lying or bending the truth yet I can still feel like a fraud saying it out loud.
How is it possible to feel pain, and then feel shame when audibly expressing it? (I suppose ‘shame’ isn’t the right word; maybe frustration?) A feeling that happiness, and ‘normal’ conversation is thwarted by a constant nagging pain. Crohn’s is that annoying boy who used to pull on your bra strap, or that puddle you step in with suede shoes on. Always putting a dampener on daily life.
It’s possibly the raised eyebrows and the perceived doubt from others imposed upon us when we convey our illness. We look fine after all. I can’t even really blame people for this doubt; I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and even though internally I feel like Satan has set up home in my intestines, I still look a million dollars (well… maybe a tenner). That alone can have even the most diseased women doubting their symptoms. We learn to question our every twinge and hold off from seeking help because ‘it could be worse’ or ‘it has been worse’. But that can also be dangerous.
If we are struggling we should vocalise it. Not to doubt ourselves, or accept doubt from others, but to trust our gut. Even if it’s the gut causing all the drama in the first place.