Something said to me in passing
recently got me thinking about the general ‘outrage’ experienced almost daily
in living with chronic illness.
Personally I’d say I’m a bit of an old hand at this
‘illness’ lark, so I’ve experienced my fair share of insensitive, thoughtless
or just plain mean, comments linked to my condition.
The most recent of these was uttered by someone I am
friendly with and who I respect and even like
as a human being.
(Names withheld to
protect identities/avoid them being chased down the street with flaming
torches)
This person commented on my weight, and joked that I’m ‘lucky
not to be unable to absorb food’. As if my incurable
illness is some sort of fad diet that I use on occasions when I want to
look Oscar ready.
My gut (pun always intended, don’t you know me at all?!)
reaction here was of annoyance. Not outrage,
just annoyance and frustration. I feebly tried to convey that it’s not
something I consider to be ‘lucky’ to have, and that I am seriously ill. I mentioned
that I would love to be able to enjoy food and be a steady healthy weight, but
that all of that just came out sounding a little bitter and whiny. Perhaps
because the original comment was not intended as a slight on me or my illness,
but jokey ‘banter’ implying nothing more than that the joker would like to be a
little slimmer. Was I overreacting? I’m sure both of us have different
viewpoints on that because we both entered into the conversation with our own
(wildly different) expectations.
Problem here though is that comments thrown out in jest
often have ripples which cause much more damage than any original intention.
When sweeping comments are made it often serves to alienate
people in one fluid motion. For example how did this particular person know I
was happy with my weight? (For the record I’m not; I’d much rather be a little
heavier, I’ve been this weight since I was 12 years old – it’s not ideal for a
33 year old woman). My weight also serves as a constant reminder that my health
hasn’t improved. If I’m not putting any weight on I’m still not getting the
nutrients and vitamins I need to help me reach my ultimate goal of NOT DYING.
In the early days of living with chronic illness I found
myself in a state of constant simmering rage. I was angry at being stuck with
this disease and all its off-shoots, and the smallest of insensitive comments would
send my mood stratospheric. Not good for
my stress levels and certainly not good for my health in the short or long
term. Nowadays I feel a little mellower. Don’t get me wrong I still feel that
sharp desire to behead someone who mocks my afflictions, but that’s natural isn’t
it?! That wholesome urge to kill ignorant strangers? ISNT IT??
I digress. My point here is that it’s important in amongst the
slew of unkind and ignorant comments we hear, to listen for the ones where we
can educate. It’s imperative we take stock and put out own health at the top of
the conversational pecking order; is it really that vital that we bubble with rage
at a colleague who says something we deem inappropriate for example? Can we
respond in a way that doesn’t involve knives? All of these questions I try to
consider now when someone says something that makes me feel vulnerable or frustrated
in living with this illness.
The simple fact is people will always upset and frustrate
us. We all do it to one another on a daily basis. But intention plays a huge
part – we should always stunt ourselves from flying into a rage by taking a few
seconds to question whether whatever was said was done out of malice, or cruelty.
Was it ‘just a joke’ (albeit one at our expense) and do we really want to waste
already lacking energy in diving headfirst into an argument about it?
Now when someone says something I find offensive I try to
call it out. I tell someone if they’ve upset me, and I make sure I come from a place
of love and education when I do it. I don’t tolerate what I don’t deem an acceptable
way to discuss my condition. I try to face rudeness head on by meeting it with
logic and not just unbridled emotion. It seems to be working for me because I haven’t
murdered anyone in at least a month. A new personal best.
Ignorance is an opportunity for education, so I try my best
to put my rage on the backburner and take it.
But if someone slams the door in my Mum’s face in a shopping
centre, you better believe I WILL KILL AGAIN.
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