So yesterday was the worst Crohn's pain i've experienced since before my operation. Horrible. Came on suddenly and lasted a good 7 SOLID HOURS. Had to leave work and get my mum to pick me up and take me to my house, like a bloody 5 year old, where I went straight to my bed. Took me about a hour to get even vaguely comfortable enough to lie down. Eventually passed, but the worry didn't - still couldn't shake the feeling that I was heading back down Agony Avenue without so much as a map, making stop-offs at Pain Place, Diarrhea Drive and Weight Loss Way.
It's very hard when I get a bit down about things, to try and snap myself back out of it. I've always tried to be a glass-half-full kind of a gal, but sometimes it still hits me again that my disease is for life. Life is a very long time. The longest time infact. Murderers and rapists who get 'life' are usually out of the clink well before they start sporting grey hair, yet I get a life sentence with no chance of parole.
It's quite ridiculous, and sounds even more ludicrous when I try to explain this to people, but I sometimes feel as though all this is happening to someone else and i'm just watching it all unfold like some perverted voyeur. Even though i'm well aware of everything that's happened in the last year or so (and have the scar to prove it), it still occasionally gets me very down when I remember that this isn't just going to go away. I know, in what's left of the rational part of my mind, that it's only very early days for my Crohn's career (?) and that in time i'll get used to the idea. But knowing all that doesn't seem to stop me feeling very blue about it all at times.
After a while, time passes and people don't want to talk about it anymore - its understandable - I don't want to talk about it most of the time - most people want to push it to the back of their minds as I look fine on the outside. Besides, it's not 'fun' to hear someone whine constantly about their health issues, especially when most people don't even understand what Crohn's actually is. Family and friends on the other hand want to know I am doing well and that i'm improving rather than getting worse, so constant updates on the state of my bowels just gets them down too and causes more worry.
It's often easier just to say the well worn "i'm fine" as I don't want to upset/worry anyone, when the truth is the majority of the time i'm decidedly below par. I think i'm probably my own worst enemy though as I am determined not to be seen as the "sick" daughter/sister/girlfriend/friend/cat owner; and would really much rather just be "Kathleen" :)