Today's post asks us to fire a randomly selected word into the search engine on the WEGO Health website and choose a quote you like from the results you get to set you writing.
The search word I used was, quite appropriately, "illness" and i found this quote that caught my attention ;
'Do you 'own' your illness?'
This got me to thinking how I feel in relation to 'ownership' of my disease. Right now i'd say Crohn's is still very much in the driving seat and 'owns' me. Much as i'd like to think otherwise I think I am still pretty much ruled by my disease and allow it to get the better of me a lot of the time.
This isnt a pleasant thing to realise but i'm well aware i'm still in the very early stages of my disease and it's going to take me a long time to get a proper handle on it. I struggle to come to terms with the realization there are many things I used to be able to do that I now find increasingly difficult. This is not an easy thing to admit - really rotten to think how significantly this Crohn's malarkey will interfere in my life. The simple act of sitting down to a meal is a challenge in itself now. The meal is rarely finished and when it is I await the rumblings or pain - even if i'm fine I still assume it will come and brace myself accordingly. Then I am completely shattered. Not just that whole after dinner woozyness you sometimes get after a big Christmas dinner or feast, but absolutely floored. Could go to bed right away and probably sleep the next 24 hours. But because that is not socially acceptable (or possible - i have a full time job) I struggle to stay awake, which then makes me irritable and grumpy at the fact i'm bloated to whale-like proportions.
But this problem is a regular one and I know I will get used to it and find a happy medium at some point. I just sometimes feel the loss of control of my own body is hard to deal with. I am so tired most of the day and think about Crohn's and how I will feel pretty much everytime I eat or drink. This again, I hope, will pass in time. I try my best to remain positive and not to allow Crohn's to be 'who i am' - but I cannot deny it is now a huge part of who I will be (a horrible diseased part).
I think the important thing to remember is that control and 'ownership' are the key words. I may not be able to control what silly games my disease decides to play with me, but I can always hold on to the rule book.
The minute I give over ownership of my body I have lost - and (apart from in every sport known to man) I have never been a loser. x
This post was written as part of NHBPM - 30 health posts in 30 days.