I get sick of being sick. This is a phrase often quoted by a lot of Crohnies, and people in general who suffer from a chronic or long term illness.
That's because it brings you down, makes you feel depressed and blue and makes you think that it shouldn't be this much of a struggle just to get through a day. Why is it?
This is how I feel most days. That alone will probably upset the people who love and care about me but it's true. I never intend to upset anyone with my posts, I like to try my best to keep them positive and put a humorous slant on my condition.
But I also don't want to sugar-coat Crohns. It's a terribly debilitating disease at times. It gets in the way of the simplest of actions, from eating a meal to walking to the shops. I am lucky enough to be well enough to have a full time job, but most days I find even doing a full shift incredibly tiring, I feel utterly drained and like I could sleep for a week at the end of it. Then it hits that I have to squeeze in some sleep then do it all over again in a few hours time.
Crohns is utterly and completely relentless. It doesn't care if you are suffering elsewhere in your life, if you are stressed at work, having problems at home or grieving for a loved one- it doesn't stop, it cant. It's with you for life so it makes it's presence felt as often as is humanly possible. Its that black sock you accidentally put in with the White wash, that little brother who won't stop repeating your sentences in a moronic take-off of your voice, it's that umbrella that won't STOP TURNING INSIDE OUT. For fear of drifting into Alanis Morrisette territory I'll leave it there. But I hope you get that what I mean is that it's basically an annoying little bastard that will wind you up endlessly until you snap.
I feel a lot that I am a burden on those I love. This is in my head - my partner has never made me feel this way, neither have my family or friends, but however lovely and accommodating of Crohns they are, it still doesn't seem to change the way I feel. I get constantly annoyed with myself at not being able to do what I used to. I hate having to say no to things and let people down and like a devil on my shoulder the thoughts always in the back of my mind are if he will eventually get fed up and leave or if I will push everyone away by not opening up. I don't moan - well a little but I don't wax lyrical about how I feel as much as I guess I should. How do I expect anyone to understand if I don't talk? But as much as I want people to hug me and tell me it'll be alright it's pointless as I know it won't. I know there is worse to come and I get annoyed at anyone who tries to tell me otherwise as, 1. How do they know they haven't got it, and 2. I know better. I KNOW.
These horrible feelings pass as do the symptoms, but when you are I'm the grip of it it feels like a black fog you are trying to navigate your way through.
I know I am not depressed, I am just blue. And if blue is the colour of sadness then yellow is the opposite - happiness. As I am an expert in the colour wheel from my art college days, I know that blue mixed with yellow makes green. Green is traditionally the colour of hope, health and growth. Therefore I KNOW things will get better. Its science ;)